ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
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Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
giddy up Office Depot
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
mom gave me mine for free
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Brb my Sims are getting married
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”