I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
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Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident