Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
You Might Also Like
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it