[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
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Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Boy never ceases to amaze me
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”