I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
You Might Also Like
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
I just love that new Pope smell.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.