Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
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My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.