“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
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Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
#parenting
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.