Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
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my professor scared me for a second
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Beauty and the Beast
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.