She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
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“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
My support group can outdrink your support group.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.