*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
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I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …