A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
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[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
only 11 steps left
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?