Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
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NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
*has no idea what a book even is*
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people