Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
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My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
These are too funny not to post 😂
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Saw your ex at the shops
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.