God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
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I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*