*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
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You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”