ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
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[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”