Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
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So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
When can I start eating bats again.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Salad is the decaf of food.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.