5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
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accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
That eye roll….
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.