JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
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Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
*power walks to the refrigerator*
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.