This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
You Might Also Like
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
BRAKING NEWS!!
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.