Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
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Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
some Old Testament wisdom
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong