INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
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Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD