50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
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Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?