Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
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Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
*aggressively waits in line*
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems