[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
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I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil