It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
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#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Ah..makes sense now
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….