Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
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A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Nice try, poison.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.