13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
You Might Also Like
how high up are we talkin’?
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Fat chances are my favorite chances
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*