This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
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After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Salad is the decaf of food.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags