Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
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Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.