Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
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Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.