My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
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I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
the answer was staring at me all along
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind