The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
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[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Huge, if true.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.