A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
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I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.