I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
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My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.