I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
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I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup