Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
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I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
only 11 steps left
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.