my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
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Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
🤣🤣🤣
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids