Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
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Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?