[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
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Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Spider-cat: No One Home
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”