I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
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Put a ring on it
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this