Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
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We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
This is my pinned tweet
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.