[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
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*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.