alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
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My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
sistine chapel
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.