I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
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Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!