Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
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Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔