Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
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you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma