The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
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DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
He a real one for that
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Me trying to “trust the process”
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”