[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
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I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
me when the borders lift
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
me irl
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway