Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
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A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Every time.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.